When a Know-It-All really doesn't know Jack.

I never believe I’m wrong. Ever. I know many independent and slightly stubborn women around my age believe the same thing, but I take Know-It-All to an entirely new level. I’ve blamed airlines, websites, entire airports, DVD companies, beer manufacturers, and song writers (stories to come) on my quest to complete the “I’m right, they’re wrong” dance. The problem arises when I go from Know-It-All to I don’t know Jack. And it happens, A LOT.

Last night I hung my fabulous IKEA bedroom curtains in just under an hour. This oddly domestic and productive Sunday is not the norm on Gofahne Road. Let’s just say I’m a few million light years away from being Martha Stewart. I’ve never sewn a button. I’ve somewhat learned to cook, but even that can be sketchy. And until a year ago, I’d NEVER hung a curtain rod in my life. What?! I like natural light!

So at age 27, I hung my very first set of curtains. I was off work enjoying a mini stay-cation at my new house and waiting on the cable/internet gurus to get us connected. Since they told me it was going to take a bit to drill and connect the connector thingies (ok, I missed more than just the domestic lessons), I decided I’d do more than whistle while they worked. The next 2 .5 hours were filled with me spouting profanity at curtain hardware, yelling at an electric drill for not being cordless, and wondering why window dressings were really THAT necessary. I blamed the architects for not thinking to build the window farther from the wall. I blamed the electric drill cord making companies for not giving me the two extra inches I needed (TWSS) so I wouldn’t need an extension cord*. At the end of the project I was frustrated, sweaty, and felt nothing like a domestic goddess. But it was complete and I was proud I’d gotten it all done on my own.

Fast forward to the evening and you find my roommate, my bestie and me sitting on the back patio drinking box wine. It was a celebration, or Tuesday (the lines sometimes blur with the three of us). I tell my story of problem solving and domestic prowess between glasses, but at the end of my story I see a look of shock on both of their faces. Of course I think, I know you all wish you could be this good…we’ll get to your room next. But Nads, in her awesome best friend-ness then asks, “April, why didn’t you just screw off the ends of the curtain rod?” Me, “The ends don’t screw off. What the H are you talking about?” Nads and the roomie in unison, “Ummm, we’re pretty sure the ends of ALL curtain rods screw off.” I explain to both of them that while they probably buy fancy curtain rods with magical removable ends, I was thrifty (read: cheap) and my half price rod did not have such a fancy perk. I’d made the most of the situation and I’d thank both of them to acknowledge my genius! So they did (actually they didn’t, but they’re both MUCH smarter than me and they don’t feel the need to prove anything to me while drinking box wine). I went inside a little later to refill our glasses with the surprisingly tasty box wine and decide to prove my point. Note: my window was the patio window, so they were sitting right outside my room. I step onto my always available step ladder and admire my handy work as I reach for the end of the rod.

ALL curtain rod ends DO in fact screw off for ease of use!

I yelled something along the lines of “Mother Eff” accompanied with, “I’ll be damned” as I hear two simultaneous thuds on the porch and endless shrieking laughter. I’d actually caused my friends to ROFLTAO.

So, life lessons learned? All curtain rods do in fact unscrew for your convenience. Electric drill companies make shorter cords so they’ll fit in the toolbox properly, so buy an extension cord. Cable/Internet gurus will probably make excuses to stay longer to “work on the internet” so they can watch the white girl try to hang a curtain rod. AND if something seems incredibly difficult or you begin yelling at inanimate objects, there is a VERY strong chance the Know-It-All you pride yourself to be? Really doesn’t know Jack.

*Imagine the scene from “Back to the Future” when Doc is trying to connect the cord to the clock tower unsuccessfully and you’ll have a pretty good picture of what happens when you try to use a surge protector as an extension cord.


shine said...

This makes me feel so much better about today's TONER FAIL post. Ugh. I'm an idiot, too.

NatalieCottrell said...

I heart this story. It's funny BECAUSE you're so much smarter than most people (or maybe I'm just biased...whateves). Gotta love those no-doy moments, you know? I once called those hot-pants-disgused-as-shorts circa 1970 "OPIs" in front of lots of people. (No, the uber chic line of nail lacquer is not the same company that made uber short corduroy shorts. See Ocean Pacific, i.e O.P.! I.d.i.o.t.)

Graygrrrl said...

I really wish there was video of this! I had a similar incedent hanging curtains, but mine involved them continuously hitting me in the head and a lack of upper body strength.
PS- I'm pretty sure we are all always right and never wrong

Gofahne said...

My friends rock! For serious! Thank you all three of you for accepting my stupid moments and knowing there is still a whole lotta smart underneath some of the dumb shiz I do.

Shine - like I said, NEVER make me wait for a story like that so long again

Natalie - I'm kind of imagining that was freaking adorable.

Graygrrl - I think either of us on video hanging curtains could make a TV show grand prize. And PS to your PS, I completely agree!

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