You haven't had a bad date until a pork chop becomes a loofah...

I've heard about LOTS of bad dates. I even thought I'd been on my worst date years ago, because really who has HORRIBLE dates at my age? Well, I was wrong...dead wrong. I take FULL responsibility for not heeding the warning signs. But, this my friends is what happens when a pork chop becomes a loofah!

I met a guy online. For the most part the online thing has been a success, but THIS guy was "different". I talked to him a lot and he was ALL about me from the word hello. Red flag #842 that I chose to completely ignore. He'd led a hard life and really straightened himself out, so it seemed, and he entertained me. So, I gave it a shot. He wanted a full on date (like he had a theme prepared), I said..."Let's just grab a beer." Thank God for that! There is no way to type this story and do it any justice, so I'm just going to use bullet points to help me. Before you ask, no I'm not exaggerating and yes this really did happen. It's long, but I PROMISE it's worth it!

- He picks the WORST bar in Dallas. Horrible, shady, awful place.
I gave him the bar choice since he allowed me to just have a beer rather than go on his super themed date.

- We meet and he is wearing skinny jeans. Yes, SKINNY jeans on a 6'2" man. Tight, faded black, and a wallet with a chain.
Seriously, I would have just turned around if we weren't the only two people in the bar. I'm not even slightly into fashion, but really?

- We're there less than 5 minutes when the DJ starts to do a mic check because they have freestyle rap on Mondays (yeah, NOT kidding). This is "his" bar though so he knows they do this. However he freaked out after they said "testing, testing, 123" for the second time and said, "We're leaving. This is ridiculous. I can't believe how loud they are being. We can't talk."
Ok, the fact that he wanted quiet so we could chat is sweet, but it's a BAR. It's going to be louder than a whisper and truthfully the freak out was a bit much.

- We walk outside to go to the bar across the street. He lights up a cigarette (fyi, I don't smoke and he knows I'm not a fan).
Him: "Do you mind if I smoke? Actually it doesn't matter if you mind or not. I thought about not smoking for the 45 minutes, or however long this date lasted, but then I thought Eh, Fuck it."
Me: .... (in my head) Did he JUST have a conversation with himself?

- We get there and the Cowboys game is on at the bar. He hates football. For those of you that don't know me, this is a HUGE issue. However, I knew I was missing the game that night so it was fine. Now this bar has an awesome outdoor patio. It's a beautiful night, he hates football, and he smokes. So where does he choose to sit? Inside. Genius. We are there long enough to order a beer and his food. He starts to calm down (I'm chalking all of this so far up to nerves). As soon as his food arrives, he needs a cigarette and asks me to join his outside. I do and I make the mistake of making coversation.
Me: "So, you said you hadn't really been social in a while. What made you decide to breakout into the online dating world?"
Him: "I DON'T want to talk about it."
Me: .....
Him: "How about you?"
Me: "Well, I haven't dated in a while and I wanted to meet new people, get in some practice talking to men again, and really just get out in the dating world."
Him: "OH."
He stands up and walks back in the bar leaving me on the patio. Alone.
My purse is inside, so I can't just leave. What the hell was that? Is he mad? Seriously?

- So, in schock, I go back inside.
Him: "So what you're saying is, I'm a throw away date? No, no...I totally get it."
(In my head) Hey psycho, it had nothing to do with you or your insecurities. Calm the EFF down.
Me (out loud): "You aren't (I should've said weren't but I was trying to be nice and keep psycho from going all Norman Bates on me). Isn't it really all practice until you find the person you are supposed to be with? Also, I felt like you and I might be looking for different things. That is why I wanted to meet in a casual environment first."
Him: "Well yeah, I knew it was going to take a couple of dates to get you in bed."
No really, he SAID this. Also, I've gone to bitch status on making the sex. I flat out tell them "The sex is not going to happen, this is NOT a challenge. I've done the casual thing and I'm out."
Me: ..... "I told you I wasn't going to sleep with you."
Him: "You all say that, but you don't actually mean it."
Now, for truth's sake, I'll give him this one. Many women throw that out as a challenge and then bend. However, a tip, don't TELL the woman you expected she was lying.
Me: "You picked the wrong girl."

- So, the silent awkwardness begins. He begins to box up his food and is about to drop the box on the floor or himself, so I grab it to steady the to go container for him.
Him: "Don't TOUCH the box. I got this. I'm on a mission."
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

- We move outside.
Him: "Well, I'm not sleeping with anyone now, so I guess if I don't sleep with you right away either then it's ok. I mean, I'll chop off my penis if you want. Wait, I love my penis. I didn't mean that."
Me: ....
Him: "So where would you like to go next?"
Me: "Ummmm....it's late. You have an early meeting and it's only Monday. I think I'm done."
Him: "OH, so I you're not having a good time? You're ready to LEAVE?"
Me: "Ummm, it doesn't seem like YOU are having a good time."
Him: "No, I'm having a GREAT time. I mean, how bad is it? On a scale of 1-10?"
Me: "I feel answering THAT would be a very bad idea."
Him: "No really. I KNOW I can make this better."
Me: "I don't really think this is something you make better. You give it a shot. It works or it doesn't. No big deal."

- He then takes a piece of pork chop out of his to go box, WIPES IT DOWN MY BARE ARM, and says, "That's right. I just rubbed meat on your arm."
No really folks. THIS happened. I looked around for cameras because really...that did NOT actually happen!

- I wipe the sauce (tasty luckily) off of my arm and sit in shock.
Him: "I guess this is over."
Me: Angered silence
Him: "I can't believe I fucked this up. How did I fuck this up?"
Again, the conversations WITH yourself while on a date. NOT ok. I'm currently planning the escape route to my car and THAT is my only thought.

- We walk across the street to my car. I point at my Trailblazer to indicate that it belongs to me because I can NOT talk at this point.
Him: "Well if you needed any positive affirmation, I'm about to stick this to go box through the broken out window of my ghetto car, so you made the right deicision."
Me: "I'm going home now."

- I drive home in complete and utter shock. What the hell just happened?!!!

To make matters worse, my phone wasn't working so I couldn't call anyone. I almost went to a bar and sat by myself, but I just couldn't take any social interaction at that point. Not even with a bartender. I placed my hands on my head and waited patiently for morning to come so I could share the story with Nads and Shine and make sure they did NOT in fact pull some major prank on me. They didn't. It happened.

And THAT is what happens when a pork chop becomes a loofah. THAT boy was a whole OTHER kind of white meat!!!

25 comments:

shine said...

I'm seriously considering carrying meat around (TWSS) with me everywhere, just so I can rub it on you when you're not expecting it (UM...TWSS, AGAIN).

I'm so glad you finally wrote this up because I have been DYING inside from not being able to share it.

GingerMandy said...

shine just sent this to me, and holy. fucking. shit.

honestly though, i really want to hear HIM tell this story. like, how does he describe how the night was going, and how does he justify rubbing meat on someone?

Just A said...

I literally sat here with my mouth hanging open for a good 10 seconds after I finished reading this. Thank god no one walked by.

Just...no...I have nothing. Oh my god.

Gofahne said...

Shine - you know I have a phobia of all meat now, it wouldn't be pretty

GingerMandy - I almost asked him the next day, but I was in too much shock. He sent me a text 2 hours after the date asking what he did wrong. There just wasn't enough text to respond :).

Just A - I know. Trust me. I know.

justjp said...

Wow, he really pulled "I'm on a mission"? Wow. Damn, sorry to hear that. Oh, and I thought rubbing your meat on a girl had a completely different meaning... now I know better.

Butterbean said...

I found your blog through Shine... and now I am sitting here in utter disbelief... he seriously wiped meat on you!? Who the eff does that!? I'm so, so, so very sorry that you had to endure a night like that.... what a douche! But, your story has inspired me to follow you... I guess there's an up side to everything huh?

Rachel said...

Oh.

My.

God.

That is all.

debtanddenial said...

HOLY. SHIT.

LiLu said...

Is there, like, some WARNING website you can put him on or something?

Holy shiznit.

Malnurtured Snay said...

This post made me feel really great, because even on my worst first dates, I've never been anywhere NEARLY that bad.

Wonderful said...

Oh dear! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, what an asshole.

Gofahne said...

Thank you all so much for your sweet words!! Butterbean, you were so right. THIS made the entire thing worth it. Ahhhh, silver lining :) If you're not laughing at your life, you're not living it right!

jetgirl01 said...

I would like you to go get mace please. It would help me to sleep at night.
- Love your Pit Bull

barkingupthewrongtree said...

OMG, apparently you and I have the same shitty dating life. That's awesome. I am totally laughing with you, not at you!

NatalieCottrell said...

Hee hee. Meat loofah.

He's so lucky he went out with you and not one of us. We would have helped him cut that penis right off, and then wiped it on his arm.

Dickhead.

pecosa said...

Wow. Just...wow.

I don't think I would have followed him in after that convo in the patio. You are a brave one.

Graygrrrl said...

I think I missed the meat part when hearing this story Wednesday. Holy Cow!!!! There seriously should be some sort of bad date site you can stick him on. Come on people! Get your creative juices churning!

On a positive note: You had a killer topic for your blog and a story for life

Dave said...

I think Rachel and I are in mentally connected because:

OH

MY

GOD

Followed by: "That is all" is totally my line...

Jay Ferris said...

I dunno... I used to rub my meat on women all the time, one of which I ended up marrying. Are you sure it wasn't the seasoning?

Christie said...

Wow, I knew a story regarding meat and first date had to be great! Thanks for sharing. And props to you for sticking it out in hopes that it might get better.
Such an opportunist!

Butterbean said...

Pee Ess I liked your blog so much, I gave you an award today!

Gofahne said...

Jet - I don't need mace. I have you!

Barking - You have to laugh to keep from crying :)

Natalie - Agreed. And pork chop loofah? best line ever!

Pecosa - If I could have gotten my purse and escaped I would have, but I'll admit a little morbid curiousity at that point.

Graygrrrl - There is always a silver lining!

Dave - That really is all you can say.

Jay - The sauce itself was actually QUITE tasty, but the delivery was just poor form. I can only hope you had a better line than he did.

Christie - There is clearly a fine line between opportunism and crazy :)

Butterbean - You rock! Thank you!

Shannon said...

I found your site through another bloggers, and this is the first entry I get to read? Amazing. Sorry you had to go through that...it really sounds like that guy just got let out of the loony bin!

That Kind of Girl said...

This post is AMAZING! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad shine linked me to it!

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