It’s time for a rant…

Alright, we've passed it. The time where we are all supposed to be thankful and happy and grateful and here is my giant Bah-hum-bug before we loop back around to Christmas and I sound ungrateful. I HEART Thanksgiving, but a "I'm so thankful for the world" seemed more than fake this year. Thus a perfectly timed rant to end my failed revamped NaNu NaNu Challenge is most definitely necessary.

Fussing. Please kindly QUIT.

My family is wonderful. I'd never say another word beyond that if they weren't also HOLY annoying with the fussing. The caring, I get it. The wanting everyone to be happy, I get it. But, they're also the fussiest group of people I've.Ever.Met. Now, I'm aware of my shortcomings. If I forget, I assure you my friends will remind me quickly. I am stubborn and over-the-top independent. I don't like things to be done for me because I actually ENJOY doing them on my own. If I really don't want to get up and get a napkin, I have NO problem asking someone to get it for me (kindly). This goes against everything my family does. Here is the exchange on Thanksgiving between me, my aunt, and my mom**:

Aunt: "Honey, did you get what you wanted to drink?"
Me: "Yep, Crown poured and tasty. Thank you."
Mom: "Are you sure you don't want some water?"
Me: "Yep."
Aunt: "Why didn't you get any turkey with your food?"
Me: "I say this every year, but turkey just gets in the way of the casseroles. I'm pretty sure I have enough here to feed a large army. I'm good."
Aunt: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Let's just do this and save some time. My legs function perfectly fine. My butt could use the extra ten steps to the kitchen if I need anything. So why don't we just assume that IF I need something, I'll be happy to get it. Okay?"
Aunt, Mom: "Hahahaha (in the most passive aggressive manner possible*). Okay."

Multiply that conversation by the 8 people they're checking on all day and the 24 hours I spent at the house… and you have the Thanksgiving equation that makes me want to tear every hair from head one-by-one. It was a beautiful holiday and being loved is not something to complain about, but when you choose to force feed it to me? I have the right to vomit. Or throw a temper tantrum. Or force a blog on my unsuspecting readers out of nowhere. Also, my family knows me. I've never hidden my personality. They know I have no issue sharing my opinion. Do they really believe that if I was offended by no water or pissed that I forgot my meat that I wouldn't pipe up? Me thinks not.

So to my incredible aunt, my awesome mom, the nagging girlfriends of the world, and the woman I saw at the airport WIPING her husband's mouth with a napkin… He/she/it is a grown ass man/woman/thing. LET THEM BE! And the first time you hear me complain about someone not asking me if I'm okay or how I feel? Feel free to slap the shiz out of me immediately.

*Don't even get me started on my lack of tolerance for passive-aggressive behavior.
**Thank you GG. Chill out smart man.

A little of this, and a little of that…

I heart the Osmonds for many reasons (over the top, completely unnecessary, and fabulously entertaining…then and now), but today it's for the little classic, "A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock N Roll". Not just because it's cute and catchy and WILL remain in your head for a full day no matter how hard you try to But also because, it's me. I'm just a little of this, and a little of that. The problem? I'm ONE person, not two. I just don't know which of "me" I'm supposed to follow sometimes.

  • I'd jump on a plane tomorrow and fly out of town with not one clue as to what I'd do when I got there, but I'm "celebrating" my 10 year anniversary at my job next April and I've NEVER jumped on a plane with no idea what to expect (yet).
  • I SWOON at lady porn (aka: chick flicks) and all the stories of the sweet little nothings my friends get in good relationships, but I freak-out-faster-than-nascar-pit-teams-change-tires when someone does those things for me.
  • I love country and LOATHE rap, but a thong song-esque beat comes on in a club and I'll shake my money maker like it's my job (and you'll wonder which of my parents LIED to me because clearly my momma was NOT white).
  • I'm a Christian, but some of my CLOSEST friends do not share my beliefs and I 100% believe we are BOTH "right".
  • I will GO OFF on someone that doesn't treat my friends with the utmost respect and admiration, but I don't demand the same for myself (I WILL soon enough Mr. Future boyfriend).
  • I HATE pickles and tomatoes, but you hand me tomato basil soup or fried pickles with a little ranch and I.AM.YOURS. (and please don't mention that I'll eat an entire pickle at the movie theatre out of habit)
  • I have a "life list" and a ridiculously detailed budget that I maintain with EQUAL passion.
  • I made bullet points on a post about LIVING it up a little more.
I'd love to consider myself the best of both worlds and use pretty words like diverse, intricate, or unique. But I don't know if that's the truth. Sometimes I think we're all battling two people. The person we want to be and the person we are. Maybe that struggle is what makes for GREAT people, but there are days when it wears me the eff out. It's not just about the money (although that contributes a lot, I ENJOY paying my bills on time yo). It's also about taking the leap. Leaving what's good enough for a dream of what could be great. And when you get there? Is it great? Or does it just become the "good enough" you had before you got to what you thought would be great?

I hope this is just about spending a little more time in self discovery and finding balance. I hope one day I FINALLY let go of all the "have to" items and jump without expectation or worry into the "let's see what happens" way of life. But for now, I'm sitting with the Osmonds. Singing a catchy tune in an outfit with a little too much glitter and willing myself to give anything a shot… at least once… Maybe.

Riddle me this. Who am I? The tortoise or the Hare.

[This entry is brought to you courtesy of CD Beaver and Dixie's inspiration… as well as the letters S, T, and V]

"Hi, I'm Gofhane and I am an extremist."

"Hiiii Gofahne" (monotone and in unison).

THAT is the kind of support group I need to find with a quickness. It turns out I can't DO anything half way and I can't COMPLETE anything all the way. As you all know, I recently started the self-named NaNu NaNu Challenge. I thought I was being all creative and fancy based on my exact thoughts when Shine told me about NaNoWriMo last month. Well, I wasn't. The exact challenge I issued myself, happens this month on blogs everywhere (I'm new to this whole blog thing, so kindly hush) and it's called NaBloPoMo*. If you've kept up or called me on ALREADY not meeting my challenge, congrats/thanks/pleaseshutyourmouth. I decided to eliminate rule # 2 on the inspiration of CD Beaver and Dixie saying the ohsosmart words of, "It's your blog. If you don't like the challenge. Change it." So I did (and efficiently already crossed out rule #2 like it never happened). Now, I don't believe I can say at the end of this that I've MET the challenge I issued, but I started thinking about what changing the rules meant to me and why I set goals that I rarely, if ever, meet.

I go to extremes in everything I do. Want to lose 10pounds? Try P90x (aka: death). Want to investigate your religious beliefs? Become someone easily mistaken for a holy roller (and feel uncomfortable and fake the whole time). Start dating a guy? Take one large leap away from couple compromise into self-sacrifice (and lose yourself completely because you don't know how to do anything half way). Every single one of these things, I've done. And the result leaves me walking away feeling like a failure. In the Tortoise and the Hare story, I'm SO the Hare. I start out strong and determined… and end up asleep under the tree while the slow and steady pass me by. And? I've had it with THAT me.

I didn't gain 10 pounds (or 30) overnight. Religious beliefs aren't answered overnight and they certainly won't come because you "act like a spiritual person". And the issues that led to me "losing myself" started back on a curb when I was 11, not in the relationships of my 20's. So how in the name of all that is holy do I believe that I can turn back time overnight? Answer: YOU DON'T.

There is a reason for the T&H fable. There is a reason the old, wise little turtle looks at that immature and over confident rabbit and says, "I'll take this hare by a landslide." Back in his little hatchling days he probably said the same thing to an Oogway and got his little shell stomped. He learned when to jog, plan, and shut his mouth. He learned that HOW you get to the finish line isn't nearly as important as getting to the finish line itself (minus all that, "it's about the journey" hub bub). So today, I'm taking a page out of the Tortoise book and BEGGING the Hare in me to slow the eff down and BREATHE.

I'm going to keep challenging myself, but in MUCH smaller doses. I'd honestly like to lose 30 pounds, but let's start with a little more walking and A LOT less wine. I'd like to write more in my blog, but let's start with writing once a day or when inspired and publishing when I feel comfortable posting my thoughts. And last, let's be proud of how much I've learned in the past 5, 10, 20 years about myself and appreciate those lessons more and look at them as "failure" less.

So, tortoise or the hare? Neither. But somewhere in between the two seems like the baby bear porridge to me. Jusssssttt right!

*if you got through all of those links and you're still reading my blog, I heart you… a lot J.

Bobisms - Volume One - Yeehaw Therapy!

I was raised by a Bob. Lately more than ever, I’ve come to appreciate our relationship. I have a dad that still calls me sunshine every time we talk, takes me to the airport at the crack of dawn (and doesn’t get mad when I realize I’ve had him take me to DFW when I should be at LUV), and makes me laugh through anything.

Now that the, “I have a great dad” speech is over. We can get to the good stuff. The fun stuff. The crazy stories that I’m almost positive NO OTHER person has ever experienced. These are the Bob-isms I will never forget.

Sit back, strap on your sense of humor, and enjoy!

Yeehaw therapy…

You heard me right. That’s the name of it. Yes, I’m from Texas. But Dallas (the city) is not the TV show. I don’t have horses or cows. I don’t live on or near anything like Southfork Ranch and I wouldn’t know the first thing about farm life. Also, yeehaw and y’all are NOT a part of normal vocabulary ‘round these parts. UNLESS you were raised by Bob.

Bob Disclaimer: I NEVER tell the story right according to my dad. How two people so similar can look at the same story and walk away with entirely different perspectives, I will never understand. BUT, whatever you read about my dad here…take it as one sided as it comes. It’s my perspective. I’m a GREAT story teller and I’ve never let the truth get in the way of a good story (one of my new favorite quotes).

So, when I hit my pre-teen/early teen years, I was a little…ummm, difficult. My parents divorced when I was 11 and I decided being an asshat was my God given right. Plus, we’re all awkward and pissed off at that age, aren’t we? No? Okay just me.

My dad and I debated A LOT during this “pleasant” time. I didn’t seem to comprehend the “as long as you live under my roof you’ll live by my rules” speech. So when he’d pull out that little gem, I’d pout. Arms crossed, I’m not eating, I’m just going to be miserable pout. My dad doesn’t do miserable. EVER. The man would sing to you at 6am with a Bob sandwich (everything is a Bob “something”) in hand. So, bitchyness attitude was not an option. Any parent can tell you to snap out of it. Tell you to stop acting like a witch or ground you. My dad? NOT SO MUCH.

He has this theory that NO ONE can be mad if they scream “Yeehaw from the depths of their soul”. Direct quote. So after we’d talk out the issue and I told him I was fine (he MADE me talk until I caved, it didn’t matter if it took until 4am), I had to step out on the front porch and let out a deep soul shaking Yeehaw. As you can imagine, for a teenager IN the awkward stage, this was MORTIFYING. I did all I could to stay quiet. The less awkward I tried to make this, the LOUDER he would yell. He had to show me how it was done (AND embarrass the holy hell out of me). Until I would finally give up and yell at the top of my lungs while everyone and their dog rolled over laughing at me. The worst part? He was right. You can NOT go through something like that without laughing. You stop caring what anyone thinks and you get over yourself.

So when people can’t figure out how I laugh so many things off, how I keep a bright attitude when it doesn’t make any sense, or how I can make a COMPLETE fool of myself and not care… THIS is how. How do you EVER take life too seriously with a dad like that around?


They aren't my words, but they're good ones!

In my short time writing in this fun little blog world of awesomeness, I've learned a couple things.

1) Don't try to write a masterpiece. Sit down, use what inspires you, and just write anything. Most of it will be crap, but sometimes you'll write a little something you're proud to call your own.
2) Know when to write, know when to link, and know when you could never write anything better than someone else wrote it first.

This brings me to my LOVE of quotes. I'm verbose (understatement of the year) and the fact that anyone can make such an strong point using so few words has always intrigued me. Today, I'm sharing some of my favorites. You've probably heard many of them or they may be exactly what you need to hear at this moment. Either way, they are certainly better than anything I could have come up with on my own.

So enjoy the brilliance of others in my absence of creativity today...

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

"Experience is priceless...too bad you have to pay for it with your youth." - Steve Harvey

"No problem, no matter the size, cannot be solved by the careful application of high explosives... Or a good nights sleep." - unknown

"Life is not about avoiding the storms, but learning to dance in the rain." - unknown

"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Gandhi

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." - George Eliot

"The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." -Saint Jerome

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." - Marianne Williamson

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” - Dr. Seuss

""Do not complain about that which you permit." - unknown, from Shine (but wow!)

"I never said every post of The NanuNanu Challenge would be original and enlightening :)." - Gofahne  

The Secret to My Success

Recently LiLu started a TMI Thursday to defy all TMI Thursdays. She's doing a Post Secret style project that makes me laugh and cry every time I see the entries.


For some reason today, the "secrets" of my blog acquaintences/friends hit me even deeper than normal. I read a secret that I know for a fact is NOT one of my dear friend's submissions, but the secret shared would be her exact words. And my heart, immediately broke.

I got to thinking about the burdens we all carry. The heartache we endure for fear (usually based in fact because of experience) of rejection or judgement. No one is perfect and everyone has mistakes they regret on a level that few people understand. But I started listening to this "universal voice" of fear, hurt, burden, and deep want for acceptance. I found myself wanting to run up to all my dear sweet friends and just hug them a little longer today. With hope that even if I may not know MANY of the burdens they carry, I could possibly transfer some of that burden on to me with one really great squeeze (or better yet, squeeze the pain and hurt into Never Never Land). I do believe there is a healing power in genuine heartfelt touch and I'd give anything to have the super power to use that little hug to heal the world.

Then? I cried a little more when I realized how damn lucky I really am. I have secrets. I carry the burden of decisions I made years, months and even weeks ago. But, I do NOT carry them alone. I do not carry them in a soul breaking silence because I've been fortunate enough to experience absolute unconditional love. And this morning I find myself in awe of these amazing people. The ones who, even when my judgement of myself made me feel like no one could love me again, made me realize that when you find a truly amazing father or a soul shaking are one lucky bish.

If I tried to do this for everyone that's ever amazed me with their friendship or love, I would NEVER stop typing. So for today I am moved by 5 specific times I shared my burdens with someone else and they quite literally brought me back to life. A thank you will never be enough, but it's the best cyber hug I can give.

Daddy - Thank you. For never passing judgement on me, the way I did on you, when I thought the world was only black and white.

Swank - Thank you. You were there the first time I ever "let it all go". You listened as I shared my deepest, darkest, and most shameful secrets. And whether you know it or not, I'm STILL amazed that after I told you everything and quite literally vomited my life mistakes to you, you looked at me through my tears and said... "So? Did you expect me not to love you?"

Cannonball - Thank you. For the moment when I felt I had no one and I thought my life was "over" and you sat in the front lawn with me and made sure I understood...It was not. And you were there.

JEM - Thank you. The pick-up truck conversation where you made me realize I wasn't all the things I was afraid I would become...and that you were proud of me for it.

TOG - Thank you. For making me cry, for making me realize the impact I've had and will have on people, and for every time you told me "I can accomplish anything I set my sights on". I don't think I could have believed that without you.

These five people AND MANY OTHERS carry a piece of my burden. They loved me unconditonally when I was sure I didn't "deserve" it. They're part of the reason I am overly positive and down right sunshine, rainbows, and cup runneth over. They ARE my silver lining. They ARE the secret to my success.

So I BEG you today, if you are carrying something on your shoulders...share your burden with someone else. Trust them to love you anyway and trust them to say, "So?" when you think they will turn and run. Because the truth is, SOME people around you will shock you. They will be the last person you want to tell and the first person to hug you when you do. I know not everyone is like this, but sometimes we are the ones sitting in judgement of them. Not the other way around. And if you don't have anyone and you NEED someone? I have an infinite amount of cyber love, real hugs, and "So?" to hand out...and I'll do it in a heartbeat if you need someone to help shoulder your burden today or any other day.

Tuesday was like a box of chocolates

I am a planner. If you've known me for five minutes, you're all too aware of this. It's how I roll. However, I've found a mix of overly planned AND sometimes random to be the perfect combination lately. Keeping specific dates or days of the week open to "whatever happens" or (gasp) just to relax.

Yesterday was one of those days. Dreamer and I made plans to meet for java, so I found a cute little coffee house for us to try. It's one of my new goals to be all adventurous and try new places in my city. Y'know, since I've lived here my whole life and all. Plus, I'm almost 30...I'm supposed to be all cultured and shiz. And when a tourist asks me for the best place to grab a cup of joe or where to take pole dancing classes? I'll be their guide. ANYway... we made plans to catch up and chat with all signs pointing toward heading home early. Thankfully the second half of that plan didn't happen quite as early as we planned.

Bascially we would start a conversation about something randomly awesome and the conversation would lead to a, "we should do this" scenario. You do NOT mess with the mojo of random when magic is happening people. So we went from a coffee house to a local bar and played checkers (I use the term "play" loosely as I don't think we made it past 7 moves). Then we took this random Tuesday to a whole new level. The Rockstar Karaoke level. At another bar across town mind you, I didn't say awesome was easy!

Life List # 70? You have officially been crossed the H off!! Now, I'm not exactly a shy person. I have moments where I have to stop being a little chicken crap, but for the most part... if it needs to get done, I'll do it (aside from anything dealing with a boy I like, as I turn into a bumbling one-line fool). Especially when some ace-hole says, "It's scary-okie again. No one has the guts to go first". Cue Gofahne promptly moving her pen from slot 3 to slot 1. Props from random stranger man for having more balls than him? Check. Funny feeling of horror sweeping over me? Check, check. The band (incredible!) performed one song as a mic check. Yeah, thanks guys. Couldn't you please mess up just a little so I don't look like a fool and a half when I get up on stage? No? Alright then! I took the stage with all the fake confidence I could muster and the result of my poorly chosen challenge was FANTASTIC! For about 3 minutes of a shortened "Don't Stop Believin", I OWNED that stage. Even if the two drunks chicks "exploring" their sexuality and my sweet Dreamer were the only ones yelling and dancing. It was a party of 4 and we were rockin!!

It was Tuesday, so why not! I take a lot of pride that my friends love going out with me because you "never know what might happen". Life is just too damn short to live any other way.

Solid new Gofahne advice: Plan to be random!! It's like "Born to be Wild" for the responsibles!

A Modern Day Fairytale

A few months ago, I’d just sat down at work with my morning OJ when the following IM gem made its way across the cyber world and into my heart.

MDF: i farted in my sleep last night, it woke him up :)

Me: i just spit out orange juice

MDF: lol, sawry

Me: you are forgiven, I am so sorry, but it happens

Me: remember the scene with Robin Williams in Good Will hunting? About his wife farting in her sleep?

MDF: yes, but i’m not in a movie, and it was loud!

After My Dear Friend (MDF) and I stopped laughing hysterically, I decided I would like to meet whoever invented the “fairytale”… and punch them squarely in the face.

As little girls, we’re read the stories of Prince Charming and Frog Princes. We’re led to believe that some man will ride in on a white horse, adore us and our perfectly kempt hair enough to find us in a glass box in the forest, or even fight the most epic battles to win our love. Never once did I read, “the handsome prince let her know when she awoke him with a fart”. Clearly Mr. or Mrs. Fairytale writer didn’t know about the importance of TMI Thursdays.

So how would one write the modern day fairytale? Would anyone go on a date? Would courting even exist? Or has feminism, equality, and laziness given us the idea that the woman (or the man for that matter) doesn’t deserve any of the hocus pocus?

I think the modern fairytale would have a perfect mix of reality and fantasy. Something like:

The lady walked into a bar. Her confidence and class was missed by everyone but him, the Gentlemen Jack. The little black dress she donned, the extra detailed way her lips were lined, and the walk. He missed nothing. As she ordered her drink, Johnny Walker Black with a splash, he knew he had to talk to her. He walked toward her and offered his hand in introduction. A strong handshake with a simple, “they call me Jack”. She responded with a smile, “they call me Gofahne”. A spark ignites. Familiarity with a dash of excitement. She’s intelligent, he’s confident. She’s a blended scotch, he’s a single malt. He listens when she speaks and she leans ever so slightly toward him. As she sipped the last of her glass, he asked her if she’d accept another as a trade for a little more of her time. She accepted. Minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days, and days turned into a lifetime. Friends first and companions second. Somehow all of their quirks fit together like pieces of a puzzle. She made him crazy with her inability to just “let go”, but he loved the way her hair fell across her face as she slept and she was forced to stop trying so hard . He drove her mad with his disorganization, but always kept his word to her. And after a lifetime of highs and lows, expanding and shrinking waist lines, and a love that started many years ago, she’d often find herself wondering if her glass slipper? Might just have been a highball glass.

The NaNu NaNu Challenge

For those that don’t know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNuWriMo). Since it took me about two months to write my first post and another month to write my second post, I don’t think I’m quite ready to write 50,000 words in 30 days. However, I have decided to challenge myself to write more.

November is going to be the NaNuNaNu challenge here on Gofahne Road. It doesn’t stand for anything. It just so happens that every time Shine told me about NaNoWriMo, I couldn’t understand what it was or what she was rambling. So I thought of Mork, renamed it NaNuNaNu, and then decided to make it the name of my own personal challenge.

Here are the rules (you know, for accountability and ragging if I don’t make it):

1 – I can’t write the entry more than 2 days in advance of the publish date.

2 – I have to post one entry per day for 30 days.

3 – I have to write a minimum of 167 words per day (10% of NaNoWriMo and basically because I needed a small number I could commit to writing on the days when I have absolutely NO creativity).

4 – I have to write something, anything every day.

5 – Hopefully I will learn something or be able to laugh about something by the end of this little experiment.

Who knows if anything will change after I complete this little challenge, but at the very least I will have more experience writing and my friends can stop telling me I don’t post enough (fine they’re right, but still). The only way to assure nothing will change is to do nothing. So, wish me luck and I’m off to ramble write!